Action! Adventure! Intrigue! What does that describe? Well...not really a comic book convention. But galore does! Because that's what a comic book show is all about...galore everything! Comics galore! People galore! Sci-fi doodads and heehaws galore! Let's go everyone, no time to spare! We're going to Pittsburgh!

  
 

 

  
 

Here's Jason Russler, clean and scrubbed. Unlike me, Jason has actually been to a comic book show before. Although I guess it wasn't technically a comic show...I think it was one of those gaming shows. Those are the shows that even comic book geeks look down on. Anyway, this is what the comic book writers would call a "hero pose."

I'd like to take the time to help Jason out with Internet searches of his name now...JASON RUSSLER...GAMING SHOW...COMIC BOOKS.

There we go.

  
 
Here we are! Look at the loot to be bought and owned for all time! Paintings of women in metal bikinis! Games about elves running around and doing things! Comic books that think they're mature just because they have a bunch of Goths blowing each other's heads off! It's all here!
  
 
 
 
Look who we ran into! It's Amy Lynn Best! Amy kindly gave me one of her cards, but I accidentally dropped it into her cleavage and had to retrieve it.
  
 
This is Robyn Griggs, the famous soap star who's branching into horror movies. Look, I'm touching someone who won an Emmy! I accidentally dropped a power sander into her cleavage, but we never could find it again.
  
 
   
 
We ran into our good friend Jasi Cotton Lanier. Jasi did me a big favor and consented to taking a picture with Jason. I saw her later that night and she had scraped off all of her hair with a Brillo pad. She said it was a coincidence, but I wonder.
  
   
 
Either Jasi is really strong, or I'm puny enough to be easily lifted by a hundred pound girl. You be the judge!
  
 
 
After a day of spreading intergalactic fascism throughout the galaxy, Imperial Stormtroopers just like to relax and read Wolverine comic books.
  
 
I was frankly disturbed by how quickly Jason became drunk with associated power. If absolute power corrupts absolutely, then Jason was less than moderately corrupt.
  
 
   
 
This could have been absolutely hilarious, but people just thought I was one of the special effect skulls, and all mind-bending comedy potential was lost.
  
 

It was time to leave, because we had another mission. However, I think it should be mentioned that Jason spent actual American money on a Babylon 5 blooper tape.

But there was no time to make fun of Jason's purchase, because the hotel where this convention was being held was right next door to a landmark of cinema. And we had to see it. Plus Jason needed to buy socks. So off we went to...

  
   
 
The mall from Dawn of the Dead! And it even looked the same! We had to go inside and be a part of horror history! And buy those socks! So inside we went...
  
   
 

...to find the mall had been completely renovated! It didn't look the same at ALL! Chain pretzel stands? I mean, would you paint a chain pretzel stand on the Mona Lisa? Or digitally insert one in The Maltese Falcon? Horrible!

On the bright side, Jason bought three pairs of socks on sale for eight dollars.

 
 
After a long, hard day of looking at things and thinking about other things, we went back to our hotel room. Jason ate some dust bunnies he found under the bed, and after screaming slurred obscenities for several minutes, slammed his head on the table and went gently to sleep.
  
 
   
 

I was tired too, and eating several bags of curly fries didn't help my stomach either. So I went to sleep where I could dream about living on a distant world, fighting dragons with my Amazon sidekick in a leather push-up bra. Good night everyone!

 

 

 

Good night.