So one day I was sitting in my room...reading, watching tv, pouring soda on the occasional stray spider...when I got a call from Mike Watt. He was helping to organize a convention that Robyn Griggs, ex-soap star and current horror movie lass was throwing. He wanted to know if I would be interested in appearing as a guest.

It was a tough conversation to have. Mike was so star stuck and nervous he couldn't get a sentence out without calling me "sir," which got really annoying after awhile...well, after about half an hour. I have a pretty big ego.

Anyway, Mike said if he didn't have a big name such as myself, the whole affair could be ruined. So finally I said okay, if there were other decent guests too. Mike said the list included Brinke Stevens, Jasi Cotton Lanier, Erin Gray, and...Marc Singer.

The Beastmaster!

So I played it off, said I guessed I could do him a favor this one time, and then I hung up I pranced around the room like a little girl. The Beastmaster and I, together at last! I always knew this day would come! Would he be all I imagined? Would he break out swordfighting moves? Would he have ferrets? Would we become best friends?

If the answer to any of those questions was "no," I would be disappointed. Was I? Take this trip and live vicariously through me and find out!

 

 

  

 
Like the Pittsburgh Comic Con, I went with trusted advisor/lapdog Jason Russler. We arrived in glorious...Akron? What the heck is in Akron, Ohio? Apparently in Akron they consider a hotel made out of an old, moldy grain silo to be a five-star joint. Okay, I'm being facetious here, because I thought that staying in a converted grain silo might possibly be the coolest thing ever, aside from Marc Singer when he's angry. But...I've said too much.
  

 

 

 
Here's the lobby of the hotel. Very, very swanky.
 

 

 

 

There was a wedding being held, and Jason couldn't help himself. He said it was the best wedding cake he ever licked!

Okay, I'm kidding. This hotel hosts a lot of weddings, so they have this fake cake sitting out all the time. It's really made out of cardboard. Jason didn't figure this out until he'd eaten three pieces. Still, he said it was the best fake wedding cake he'd ever eaten, if you don't count the one he ate made out of mud that he made himself eight years ago.

Personally, I count that one.

  

 

   
This hotel rocked and so did we, all the way until nine o'clock! You can't tell by this picture, but the room is round, since the silos were used for the rooms. It was like a futuristic wonderland!
 

 

 

 

 
The next day, it was time! Time to get up! Take my weekly shower! And GO TO THE SHOW!
 

 

 

 
Look at the people! Look at the stuff! Look at the carpet, all fancy and such! Where's the girls who wear tight clothing and monster horns? Where's the guys who wear leather trenchcoats even in summer? Where's Marc Singer?
  

 

 

 

We set up the Piranha Pictures table and signed autographs all day. Oh my, the autographs we signed!

All right, we didn't actually sign autographs. Mainly we just set up a TV with clips from our films. And handed out literature about ourselves. Actually, I did sign an autograph, but it was for the chicken pot pie that I paid for with my credit card, so much like that wedding cake made out of mud, I don't know if that counts.

Although I saw the waitress put the receipt in her pocket. I think that means something.

 

    

 

 

   

It was here that I met my very first Arch Nemesis, Brinke Stevens. She was busy all day meeting fans and signed many an autograph.

Now I don't want to get catty, especially since I'm a straight guy and that's kind of unbecoming, but we were filled with a jealous rage. Brinke came over and talked to us and was very nice, so it's probably petty that I took a hacksaw and cut the legs of her table to make it three inches shorter than ours, but that's the kind of guy I am.

  

 

 

 

Okay, okay...as arch nemeses go, Brinke was entirely too nice. I tried to start a fight every now and then, but she'd have none of it. She's a really great person. She just wouldn't take the bait.

 

  

 

   

Completing the three-for-three convention coverage, here's Jasi Cotton Lanier. We always seem to run into each other at one of these things, and we always end up having a fistfight at some point. Fighting small girls is fun and easy!

As you can see, Jasi is selling paintings and such that she's in. She was a really popular guest, and she had a movie showing that she makes an appearance in called "Severe Injuries."

Awww, little tiny Jasi...so cute.

 

  

 

 

 
If anyone tells Jasi that I called her cute, I'll deny it. And Jasi, if you're reading this, I didn't type any of this stuff. Some hacker did. Why I'm referring to myself even though I'm not typing this is some sort of paradox, like on every third episode of Star Trek.
 

 

 

 
Jason liked this part. This is Ryli Morgan, who's a model and actress. She has a bunch of movies that she's been in, several directed by her husband Mark Baranowski. It's a testament to her goodness that she consented to have her picture taken with Jason, who I refer to sometimes as simply "lib hippie." It's not very funny, but it's cruel, and sometimes that's all you can really aim for.
  

 

 

 

While Ryli was really nice, her fashion taste is questionable. Obviously a bunch of kittens ripped this shirt up, so why is she wearing it? I would think she'd throw it away!

But I'm not a model, so I don't know how they think.

   

 

 

 

From left to right: a Tromette, Jason, me, and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma.

From right to left: Lloyd Kaufman, me, Jason, and a Tromette.

If you started in the middle on, let's say, me. Me, Lloyd Kaufman, a Tromette, and Jason.

Anyway, Lloyd's always cool. Very personable, and he loves talking to fans.

 

  

 

   

We ran into Amy Lynn Best, fresh from Ye Olde Country. She was helping out with guests and whatnot, as well as presenting her movie "Severe Injuries." That's right, the same movie Jasi's in! See, it's all coming together now, isn't it?

Well something's coming together. But it's sure not her vest.

  

 

 

Here's Mike Watt mere seconds before his mental breakdown. He had to contend with various cool--and some insane--celebs, and he had to keep everyone happy. Or at least try. Or at least try until he'd had enough.

Mike, you're a good man with a hard job.!

    

 

   

And here's the host of the show, the one and only Robyn Griggs. She tried to run when she saw me, but I caught her and we took this picture. You can't see the knife I'm holding on her, which is probably for the best.

Robyn's great, and she threw a very nice convention. I didn't envy her, because she was insanely busy as she tried to keep things running smoothly along with Mike and Amy. To their credit, it seemed to run very well.

  

 

 

 
So where's Marc Singer through all of this? He must be somewhere. Will Eric be disappointed? Will he ever find Marc Singer? Go to the next page to find out!
  

 

 

TWISTED NIGHTMARE PART SECOND